Stop Being Nice
I’ve been accused of being “nice” or “sweet” much of my life. Living in the South I hear these terms used to describe lovely people who are very charming. On the surface, they sound like compliments, but when I hear the statement, “You are so nice,” I cringe a little.
Dysfunction and Fear
Growing up I was often faced with fear of conflict or instability. I want to honor my parents here, but also acknowledge that the dysfunction of living with active alcoholism in the household creates an unsafe environment. Amid this kind of instability, children often develop hypervigilance. What I learned early on is that my sphere of influence was small and that being nice was a way that I could attempt to control my exposure to danger.
Complex Trauma and Fawning
When a child is repeatedly exposed to danger or chronic instability, they may develop complex trauma (CPTSD). Most people have heard of the trauma responses fight, flight, or freeze, but a response less commonly discussed is fawning. Fawning describes the defense of a person who learns to please others in order to disarm them or avoid conflict. Fawning is fundamentally self-protective. It can appear deeply caring or accommodating, but the primary purpose is often survival. Fawning is “nice.”
Spiritual Warfare and Spiritual Fruit
Spiritual warfare is the daily battle between the lies that keep us in bondage and the truth that sets us free in Christ. For example, when I hear the whisper that tells me, “I’m bad,” I have the opportunity to reject that lie, stand in the authority Christ has given me, and speak His truth over myself.
As I’ve grown in my faith what I’ve learned is that “nice” isn’t the same as kind. I can be kind to others and share truth that doesn’t always align with “nice.” When I remember that I am commanded to love my neighbors as myself, I also remember that sharing hard truths with compassion is sometimes the most loving thing I can do. Sometimes, just a simple “no” is the kindest way to honor ourselves and others.
“For examples of patience in suffering, dear brothers and sisters, look at the prophets who spoke in the name of the Lord. We give great honor to those who endure under suffering. For instance, you know about Job, a man of great endurance. You can see how the Lord was kind to him at the end, for the Lord is full of tenderness and mercy. But most of all, my brothers and sisters, never take an oath, by heaven or earth or anything else. Just say a simple yes or no, so that you will not sin and be condemned.” (James 5:10-12, NLT)
Kindness is a fruit of the Spirit, and it’s a heart posture that comes from knowing Christ intimately. When I am kind, I am standing in truth and the glory of God.
The Unburdening of Forgiveness
As a woman of faith, it is important to stand in truth with integrity, to have a heart of forgiveness, and to also have the courage to discern where boundaries or distance are necessary to guard my heart. This is a tough balance, especially with someone who has learned how to be nice as a protective measure. Today when I stand in truth, it is because I love myself, I love God, and I love others. Forgiveness is a choice, and as a believer in Christ, it is one I must continually choose so that my heart remains unburdened by bitterness. If I am to continue growing closer to Christ and knowing Him more intimately, I must understand the beauty and necessity of forgiveness. Forgiveness, however, doesn’t always mean reconciliation. It doesn’t make the actions of the wrongdoer right. It also doesn’t require me to place myself within proximity of someone who may continue to harm me. We can forgive while also protecting ourselves and our hearts from those who remain unrepentant.
“For the kind of sorrow God wants us to experience leads us away from sin and results in salvation. There’s no regret for that kind of sorrow. But worldly sorrow, which lacks repentance, results in spiritual death.” (2 Corinthians 7:10, NLT)
Boundaries Are Kind
When we set boundaries, it is a kind thing to do for ourselves and for others we love. Healthy boundaries are intended to protect us from harm. They are not barriers that wall us off from good, but rather a line that is drawn to keep the bad out and let the good in. When a person approaches you with an unrepentant heart, they are not ready for truth or accountability. Boundaries are biblical and they define our limits, but they are not incompatible with forgiveness and they are never cruel.
Many Christians misinterpret forgiveness and what it means to love our enemies. Loving our enemies does not require us to put ourselves in a position to continue being harmed. Loving our enemies can often mean forgiving and detaching ourselves from emotional bondage. Loving ourselves involves boundaries, discernment, and courageously claiming authority over evil. We must break agreement with the things that hold us in bondage—shame, fear, bitterness, unforgiveness—and claim the fruit of the Spirit.
The Fruit of Kindness
Kindness is a posture of love for ourselves, for God, and for others—even our enemies. We are called to pray for our enemies as we pray for ourselves. In doing so, our hearts can be shaped to become more like Christ.
“But I say, love your enemies! Pray for those who persecute you!” (Matthew 5:44, NLT)
“Bless those who curse you. Pray for those who hurt you.” (Luke 6:28, NLT)
“Bless those who persecute you. Don’t curse them; pray that God will bless them.” (Romans 12:14, NLT)
This character building does not come without pain or struggle. Being in right relationship with Christ often means turning our focus away from the expectations of others and choosing obedience to Him. This is not an easy task in a world where we face spiritual warfare on a daily basis, but we must remember the victory is won.
Today when I think of “nice,” I think of fear masquerading as virtue. But kindness is powerful. It is loving, humble, courageous, and rooted in truth. To be kind is to shine God’s light onto darkness, declaring Christ’s victory, and standing in His authority over evil.
