Generational cycles are formed when we don’t heal our wounds, and we project our unmet needs into our children’s lives.
When parents carry the burden of unhealed trauma, grief, or attachment wounds, the pain of these wounds manifests into a set of behaviors and standards that become a way of life in the family system. Children participate in the cycles we set up in our families without awareness of the scripts they inherit.
In dysfunctional families, everyone learns to perform a role that prevents the painful truths from being felt or addressed. There is an unwritten rule to do what is necessary to maintain comfortability. This unhealthy state of ‘normal’ becomes an acceptable homeostasis.
Within the family of origin, we learn a set of values, we gain an understanding of gender roles, we are modeled what it looks like to engage in or resolve conflict. Communication patterns are enacted, and we develop relational skills that are either conducive to healthy relationships or perpetuate dysfunction.
External standards that shape us
Much of our lives are spent forming a sense of self from messages and standards we receive from family, society, and culture. These external influences shape who we think we are, and who we are supposed to be.
The unconscious self—what is considered our psyche or soul—gets mostly denied as we follow the ego’s agenda in our waking lives. We strive for perfection, success, dictated standards of beauty, fitness, and wealth—always coming up short.
But perfectionism sets us up for believing the lie that we are not good enough—fueling self-criticism. Society often treats self-criticism as humility while dismissing self-affirmation as braggadocio.
The inner critic
Our internal critic intends to keep us in check, and the result is guilt, shame, and fear. It serves to limit and disempower its victims. The imposed limits seep into the next generation as our children watch us shrink to the demands of our critical voice.
When children see this modeled, they learn that it is acceptable to speak unkindly to themselves—for children do what their parents do. When our words don’t offer us grace and self-love, our children can learn that love is conditional. We must not only take captive self-critical thoughts, but we must replace them with truth. God values each of us beyond measure.
Matthew 10:31 – “So don’t be afraid; you are worth more than many sparrows.”
To love ourselves well means to love ALL of ourselves—The good and the bad.
Psalm 139:14 – “I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful; I know that full well.”
This scripture encourages us to adore God’s creation, seeing ourselves through God’s eyes.
To truly teach our children unconditional love, we must first love ourselves unconditionally.
Speaking life
Proverbs 18:21 – “The tongue has the power of life and death, and those who love it will eat its fruit.” This verse reminds us that our words can bring life, encouragement, and healing, or cause harm and destruction
Speaking life to ourselves means speaking kindly, affirming ourselves, extending grace, exposing our imperfections, apologizing when we make a mistake, and forgiving ourselves for the things we have done wrong.
Our children need to witness these acts of self-love so they can believe in unconditional love, and so they can develop resilience.
It is important, too, for our children to see us living joyfully. The busyness of this life can confuse our priorities, causing us to always put ourselves off until the next weekend, the end of the football/soccer/basketball season, the next holiday, the next vacation, or retirement—but don’t put off living joyfully.
Break the chains of generational patterns. Claim the wounds, name them, and begin to heal. Embrace God’s love and fix your gaze on Him. Let your children hear you speaking life to yourself. Lastly, find what brings you joy and prioritize yourself now. This is the good stuff, and it will last generations.
