Rendered Speechless at Costco
Yesterday I went to Costco to pick up a few things I needed, and a few things I probably didn’t need. As I found my parking place, I reached into my purse to retrieve my wallet. I always want to be prepared to scan my card as I walk into the store, so I don’t hold up the wave of shoppers approaching the entrance.
As I searched my wallet, I started to get a sinking feeling. The card was nowhere to be found. “Ugh,” I thought to myself as I realized I would be making a visit to the membership counter to get a new card.
Accepting my fate, I walked into the store and went directly to the membership counter where I was met with a welcoming smile from a helpful Costco employee ready to serve. She led me to a register where she started to ask questions to verify my membership. As she turned the monitor towards me so I could verify the information, I came face to face with my old self. I was rendered speechless.
Staring back at me was a picture of my thirty-four-year-old self. Holy mackerel! I stared at the photo and a flood of thoughts came to me. This was the girl who stuffed her feelings down and tried to keep everything going. It was the girl who ended every day with a numbing agent—alcohol, pot, food, cigarettes. It was the girl who didn’t know how to feel, and she didn’t know how to cope. She felt unloved. She felt insignificant. She believed she wasn’t important. She lived in shame.
After sixteen years of sobriety and working on my relationship with God and with myself, the girl in the photo looked like a stranger.
Over the last twenty-one years, I have transformed from the inside out. This picture of myself was proof that tiny steps in the right direction are significant. When I committed to change years ago, I started my journey in the direction of life-altering transformation. With one tiny step at a time, tremendous change has occurred. I no longer believe the lies that I once told myself. This photo was confirmation that the feelings of unbelonging and shame were never factual.
There is a patch on my gym bag with a picture of a battery that says 1%. It represents the concept of marginal gains compounding to significant improvement over time. This concept was popularized by James Clear’s book Atomic Habits, and it is very real.
When we commit to change, incremental movement in the right direction eventually results in huge transformations. For myself, this has been life altering. Today my life looks very different than it did back when that girl first walked into Costco to take that original photo.
What is evident in the photo is that I am a much healthier version of myself today. What you can’t see in the photo is that my view of the world and myself has changed completely.
Today I understand that my identity comes from Christ. I have learned that my value doesn’t come from achievement, comparison, or worldly success. While I know this last statement to be true, I also know that there are no limits on what I can achieve when I walk in obedience to Christ. Today, rather than insignificant I see worthy, rather than unloved I see perfectly loved, and rather than unimportant I see significant, capable, purposeful.
“I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.”
Psalm 139:14, NIV
After having had this moment of shock and revelation, I asked the kind woman at the register if I could have a copy of the photo. She couldn’t print it, but she allowed me to take a snapshot of it before replacing it with a new photo for my file.
Over the last twenty-four hours I have contemplated, “Do I tell this story?” or “Do I hide this unflattering photo and never speak of it again?” But I know I have to tell my story. I write about changing cycles and habits, and there is no greater evidence that the things I write about are effective and true. I am evidence that transformation is entirely possible, and my story is one that needs to be told.
I hope this encourages others who feel like they are too deep in the mire to change. With one tiny step at a time, a new life and a new self will emerge.
“Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will.” (Romans 12:2, NIV)
